Every year I do a post on my anniversary and try to pass on a little information about how the heck we’ve lasted so long. It’s kind of mind blowing every year to look back on everything we’ve been through together. It’s also interesting to see the responses from other people.

I think people were more amazed at how long we’ve been married when we were around year 16 or 17. That blows people away. If you get divorced within the first 10 years, I don’t think anyone is really surprised by that anymore. They just assume you didn’t try. If you get divorced between year 10 and 15, it’s really sad, but all too common. So if you make it to years 15 to 20 or so, it’s really amazing to people. The funny thing is, once you pass 20 years of marriage, it’s no longer amazing to people. They just expect you to be married forever now. It’s old news.

I think marriage in a way works like that too. Once you’ve been with a person for so long, hopefully you’ve worked out all the kinks, and that person just becomes an extension of you. I think that’s where I’m at now. Michelle is such a part of everything I do, that I could never imagine her not being there. Or worse, somebody else being in her place. We’ve learned to deal with each other’s quirks, we’ve learned to work together and depend on each other, and so even the thought of starting over and dating and all that just completely preposterous. Besides, do you know any single people in their 40′s or older? I do, and generally speaking there are good reasons they are single. Not all of them are messed up, but most of them are. Just saying.

Anyway, the longer I’m married and the more I watch my younger married (and divorced) friends makes me realize a few things about how to stay married. And I think it comes down to how you approach your relationship in the first place. On my Facebook account I have several female friends that go through a new relationship about once a month. And their attitude when they get a new guy is all about how good they feel. I think people who approach relationships with the attitude that they are doing something to make themselves feel good are always going to fail.

Marriage is not about making you feel good. If you want to feel good, go buy a freaking car, or some new clothes or something. Relationships are about being part of a unit, a team. Let that sink in. If you could play football pretty good and you went to a coach and said “hey coach, I want to play football because I think your team will make me feel good”, the coach would kick you off his field. Each player is chosen for a team strictly because of what they can put back into the whole. I think that’s the secret to marriage. Marriage should be entered into with the idea that you have something to offer to the team, and you’re going to give 100%. If both people go in with that attitude, that relationship can’t fail.

So there you have it. A football analogy for the success of marriage. This coming from a guy that hasn’t watched a game in 10 years. I must truly be getting old. I was going to use a rock ‘n’ roll analogy, but all bands are dysfunctional so I couldn’t make that work. Sorry.

Anyway, here’s to 23 years of marriage to my beautiful and loving wife. I could not imagine my life any other way.

It’s a little bittersweet to celebrate though because so many of my friends have had their relationships fall apart in the past year. Long relationships. And as I sit and ponder what makes a relationship work and why they fall apart, I think it starts with selfishness and ends with cowardice. Let me explain.

I’ve seen no less than half a dozen long term marriages fail in the last year or so. They have all followed the same basic pattern. Partner 1 becomes unhappy. Partner 1 doesn’t want to deal with the drama of talking about it so they go find happiness somewhere else. Partner 1 eventually can’t live the lie and bails on partner 2. Partner 2 is clueless and gets totally blindsided.

So it starts with one partner thinking they deserve more (selfishness) and it ends with a blindside (cowardice). I’ve seen this in my own marriage. The times we had real problems were the times that I became selfish. And so if I were to think about what it really takes to make a marriage last, the key is in serving your partner.

I could say you should “love” your partner, but that word means less and less these days so let’s talk about what it really means to me. Love is really voluntary servitude. It’s putting the welfare of somebody else ahead of your own. Think about that for a second. What if we approached our role in marriage as being responsible for the welfare and happiness of your partner?

But we don’t do that. Modern America sees the marriage as a way to get what “I” want. Like buying a car. And when I don’t get what I want, or I get bored with what I have, I leave and go try again with somebody new. It’s insane. What’s that saying about the definition of insanity?

So when people ask how we’ve managed to stay married so long, I’d say it’s because over time we’ve learned to take care of each other. Michelle is my responsibility. And I am hers. This is what the bible is talking about in Ephesians 5.

So we’ve made it through another year and it’s been a good year. I think the next is going to be even better.

So inevitably people ask me, as if I have some incredible insight, how I managed to stay married for so long. What I’ve discovered is that each year I have a slightly different answer, and I think it’s slightly different because each year I get a little older, and a little more experienced. I’m able to look back and see where I screwed up to be honest, and that’s a good thing. The opposite side of that is that I realize now matter how long Michelle and I are together, we still have more to learn about how to get along and relate to each other. There’s still growing to do. Nobody ever has it totally figured out.

I will say though that over the past four or five years especially, I’ve really learned that marriage is not just about “Me”. It’s not about what I can get out of it. It’s not about how it pleases me. This was kind of a huge revelation for me because I think so many marriages fail because people view their marriages like they view buying a car. How will I look in it? How will it make me feel? How will it benefit me? The problem with that is, cars lose their luster over time and then you want a new one.

So how should we view marriage? Well, since God created marriage, you have to go to God to find out. Ephesians 5:25-30 says:

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself up for it; that he might sanctify it, having cleansed it by the washing of water with the word, that he might present the church to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. Even so ought husbands also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his own wife loveth himself: for no man ever hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as Christ also the church; because we are members of his body.

That’s some powerful stuff right there. Love your wife as Christ loved the church (church meaning us). So how did Christ love the church? Well, most notably, he died a horrible death for it. That’s some pretty serious stuff. But he also taught it, he cared for it, he led it, he set an example for it. He didn’t show it off, or demand pleasure from it, or demean it, or exploit it, or ignore it. He served it. Wow.

So we are called to do that for our wives. How many of us really view our marriages as an opportunity to lead, to teach, to set an example for, much less to die for? What about the part about loving your wife as you love yourself? How many of us guys can honestly say we care about our wives as much as we care about ourselves? Think good and hard before you answer that.

There’s some choice stuff in Ephesians for you women too. But I’ll let you look that up for yourselves because I honestly believe that the majority of marital problems start with us men. Looking back at 21 years of making mistakes in my own marriage, and looking at the marriages of my friends, I can say that with complete confidence. If only us guys got ourselves in line with Christ’s example, I would bet that the divorce rate would drop from 51% to probably around 20% or less. It’s on us guys. Time to step up.

So those are my thoughts for year 21. Wow, year 21. I am incredibly blessed.

We have a new President. And for the first time in our country’s short history, he’s not an old white guy. And that’s significant, let’s not play that down. 150 years ago, black people were bought and sold like cattle in this country. Now we have a black president. I think that says something about this country. Despite our problems, we’ve grown up quite a bit in some ways. So congratulations Mr. Obama.

Now that the election is decided, let’s move on. To those who are moving to Canada now that a Democrat is in the White House, go! I don’t want to hear your belly aching. And to those who think that all of your problems will suddenly vanish now that Obama is in office, don’t get discouraged when life doesn’t change all that much for you. And that’s all I’m going to say about this election.

Some things don’t.

So switching gears here, I just wanted to announce that my lovely wife Michelle and I have now been married for 20 years. Pretty amazing these days, and especially given the way we met.

Michelle and I didn’t even like each other when we first met. I knocked on her door one day looking for her brother who was a guitarist I was jamming with. I had my drums in the back of the truck and it was starting to rain. She didn’t even answer the door, she just yelled through it to go away. I told her that a few grand worth of drums were going to be ruined if she didn’t open the door and let me wait for her brother to come home. She basically said “so what”. Luckily her brother walked up right then. I had already decided that his sister was a bi@*#.

But over the next year or so we got to know each other as friends. I kept my distance since I had a rule of not getting involved with my buddies sisters, and this worked to our advantage because it allowed us to get to know each other, which I had generally not done with girls I dated. I was a long haired, rock & roller, and my life at that time was all about the party. And party we did. Thinking back to those days, I’m honestly surprised I’m here to write this.

It’s amazing how God can work though, even when we are actively avoiding Him. He brought the right person into my life at just the right time. Like I said, I was partying like crazy and lost my job right before we got married. Our only option was to move away and start over. My parents offered us a spare bedroom until we got back on our feet.

I’m still blown away that Michelle stuck around. I mean she marries this crazy guy with no job who then tells her she has to move out of town to live with his parents because he can’t support her. She must have been out of her freaking mind! But as I think back, it was a precise set of circumstances, that I believe God setup for us, that changed our lives forever. Within a few months time we were both substance free, working new jobs, with our own place. A completely fresh start in life, together.

And of course it hasn’t all been peachy since then, we’ve had our hard times. Marriage has it’s seasons and there’s challenges that come with every season. So there’s no great secret or custom set of rules to follow for a long marriage. What I will say though is that the times that were roughest, were solved by moving myself back toward Christ and not trying to “fix” Michelle. I think that’s the biggest mistake I see people make is trying to manipulate their partner to match themselves. The problem with that approach is first, it’s impossible, and second, your perceived “needs” evolve over time. You’d need Gumby as your mate to make that work!

But the purpose of marriage and the value of relationships never changes. These things were created by God and so they don’t change with the times. So by focusing on moving ourselves to be more like Christ, I think we’ve found that we can better meet each others real needs.

So anyway, I just want to say to my wife of 20 years,  I love you babe.

I can still remember my buddy Jay and I talking at 18 years old. “I’m never getting married dude. It’s not worth it.”. Two years later I was married. Amazing how you can change your mind given the right set of circumstances. Never say never.

People always react in amazement when I tell them how long I’ve been married. I don’t know whether to be offended or proud. Are you amazed that we’ve been married so long in this day and age, or are you just amazed that somebody like me is still married? Or are you amazed that my wife would put up with me for so long???? And then the inevitable question comes; “How do you do it?”. Well, it’s magic of course.

Ok, it’s not magic. It’s actually a lot of work, patience, caring, love, tolerance, servitude, leadership, grace and most of all, faith. I’ve come to realize that as guys we are responsible for our wives well being. We are to love them as Christ loved the church. [Ephesians 5:25] And so how did Christ set this example? He taught, he guided, he healed, he showed compassion, and he died for us. That’s our example to follow.

And women have their role too. In my marriage Michelle has always been the compassionate one, the encourager, the supporter, the calming influence, the faithful and reliable one. I say this all the time, but I mean it. I married her because she’s a better person than I am.

But no marriage is perfect, and as people grow and change, money problems arise, or even medical problems occur, eventually the stuff hits the fan and every marriage is threatened. But when those times come, you really just have to hunker down, do your part, don’t expect anything back, and make up your mind that divorce is simply not an option, and eventually God brings you both through. I think both Michelle and I have done that over the course of our marriage, and now that we’re 19 years in, I think we’re having more fun together, and are more in tune with each other than ever.

So how are we celebrating our 19th anniversary? Well, I bought us bowling balls. I know, it sounds lame, but before you call me a typical loser male, it wasn’t my idea! I offered an expensive, romantic dinner and she suggested we use that money for custom fit bowling balls since we’re having so much fun bowling together every week. I can’t argue with that.

Here’s looking forward to year 20. Love you babe.