So inevitably people ask me, as if I have some incredible insight, how I managed to stay married for so long. What I’ve discovered is that each year I have a slightly different answer, and I think it’s slightly different because each year I get a little older, and a little more experienced. I’m able to look back and see where I screwed up to be honest, and that’s a good thing. The opposite side of that is that I realize now matter how long Michelle and I are together, we still have more to learn about how to get along and relate to each other. There’s still growing to do. Nobody ever has it totally figured out.

I will say though that over the past four or five years especially, I’ve really learned that marriage is not just about “Me”. It’s not about what I can get out of it. It’s not about how it pleases me. This was kind of a huge revelation for me because I think so many marriages fail because people view their marriages like they view buying a car. How will I look in it? How will it make me feel? How will it benefit me? The problem with that is, cars lose their luster over time and then you want a new one.

So how should we view marriage? Well, since God created marriage, you have to go to God to find out. Ephesians 5:25-30 says:

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself up for it; that he might sanctify it, having cleansed it by the washing of water with the word, that he might present the church to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. Even so ought husbands also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his own wife loveth himself: for no man ever hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as Christ also the church; because we are members of his body.

That’s some powerful stuff right there. Love your wife as Christ loved the church (church meaning us). So how did Christ love the church? Well, most notably, he died a horrible death for it. That’s some pretty serious stuff. But he also taught it, he cared for it, he led it, he set an example for it. He didn’t show it off, or demand pleasure from it, or demean it, or exploit it, or ignore it. He served it. Wow.

So we are called to do that for our wives. How many of us really view our marriages as an opportunity to lead, to teach, to set an example for, much less to die for? What about the part about loving your wife as you love yourself? How many of us guys can honestly say we care about our wives as much as we care about ourselves? Think good and hard before you answer that.

There’s some choice stuff in Ephesians for you women too. But I’ll let you look that up for yourselves because I honestly believe that the majority of marital problems start with us men. Looking back at 21 years of making mistakes in my own marriage, and looking at the marriages of my friends, I can say that with complete confidence. If only us guys got ourselves in line with Christ’s example, I would bet that the divorce rate would drop from 51% to probably around 20% or less. It’s on us guys. Time to step up.

So those are my thoughts for year 21. Wow, year 21. I am incredibly blessed.

I can still remember my buddy Jay and I talking at 18 years old. “I’m never getting married dude. It’s not worth it.”. Two years later I was married. Amazing how you can change your mind given the right set of circumstances. Never say never.

People always react in amazement when I tell them how long I’ve been married. I don’t know whether to be offended or proud. Are you amazed that we’ve been married so long in this day and age, or are you just amazed that somebody like me is still married? Or are you amazed that my wife would put up with me for so long???? And then the inevitable question comes; “How do you do it?”. Well, it’s magic of course.

Ok, it’s not magic. It’s actually a lot of work, patience, caring, love, tolerance, servitude, leadership, grace and most of all, faith. I’ve come to realize that as guys we are responsible for our wives well being. We are to love them as Christ loved the church. [Ephesians 5:25] And so how did Christ set this example? He taught, he guided, he healed, he showed compassion, and he died for us. That’s our example to follow.

And women have their role too. In my marriage Michelle has always been the compassionate one, the encourager, the supporter, the calming influence, the faithful and reliable one. I say this all the time, but I mean it. I married her because she’s a better person than I am.

But no marriage is perfect, and as people grow and change, money problems arise, or even medical problems occur, eventually the stuff hits the fan and every marriage is threatened. But when those times come, you really just have to hunker down, do your part, don’t expect anything back, and make up your mind that divorce is simply not an option, and eventually God brings you both through. I think both Michelle and I have done that over the course of our marriage, and now that we’re 19 years in, I think we’re having more fun together, and are more in tune with each other than ever.

So how are we celebrating our 19th anniversary? Well, I bought us bowling balls. I know, it sounds lame, but before you call me a typical loser male, it wasn’t my idea! I offered an expensive, romantic dinner and she suggested we use that money for custom fit bowling balls since we’re having so much fun bowling together every week. I can’t argue with that.

Here’s looking forward to year 20. Love you babe.