This is kind of a rough Christmas. My wife has been out of work for a year and a half after the construction company she worked for nearly went belly up. Since then she’s had maybe five interviews. Five. This is a woman with 20 years of bookkeeping and project management experience, and only five interviews in 18 months.
Today we found out that she got turned down for another job. This one only a part time position making less than half of what she made at her last full time job. It’s crushing and it’s a testament to how crappy the job situation really is in this country.
So she’ll continue looking. But it’s hard. We’re fine financially. We can’t do a lot of extra things, but we can pay the bills so I’m not complaining. But the mental and emotional toll is what’s hard. This is when you start questioning yourself. You start questioning where you’re going and what you’re doing and what you’re worth. And as a husband I not only have to carry the full burden of our finances, I also have to bear the burden of the emotional well being of my family. Self-pity and self doubt are evil things and can quickly paralyze. So it’s up to me to keep things positive and everyone motivated.
What really works on my psyche though is just wondering where God is in all of this. It’s really easy to just say everything’s in God’s hands. But in real life, when you are facing something that you honestly feel is important for very valid reasons, and yet it’s just not happening for you… it really starts to work on you.
There’s a song I like, and honestly I don’t even really know or care what the song is really about, but there’s one line that says “What if God doesn’t care?”. And if there’s a chink in my armor of faith, it’s that thought. What if the things we think are important just aren’t important to God? What if they just don’t matter one way or the other?
And so this is where my faith gets confused. I always hear people say that God is leading them into one line of work or another and then they fail fantastically. And I just wonder, really? Was God really leading you to that collosal failure? Or did you just have this grand dream on your own and God really didn’t have an opinion one way or the other?
I don’t want to sound like I’m having a major failure of faith because my wife hasn’t found a job. That’s not the case. There’s two things I believe are true; that God loves us, and that God is in complete and absolute control. But my problem is learning to accept the fact that my plans aren’t always in line with God’s plans, and even though sometimes God’s plans can feel a whole lot like indifference, I need to believe that ultimately his plan will be better than anything I could have made for myself.