This is kind of a rough Christmas. My wife has been out of work for a year and a half after the construction company she worked for nearly went belly up. Since then she’s had maybe five interviews. Five. This is a woman with 20 years of bookkeeping and project management experience, and only five interviews in 18 months.
Today we found out that she got turned down for another job. This one only a part time position making less than half of what she made at her last full time job. It’s crushing and it’s a testament to how crappy the job situation really is in this country.
So she’ll continue looking. But it’s hard. We’re fine financially. We can’t do a lot of extra things, but we can pay the bills so I’m not complaining. But the mental and emotional toll is what’s hard. This is when you start questioning yourself. You start questioning where you’re going and what you’re doing and what you’re worth. And as a husband I not only have to carry the full burden of our finances, I also have to bear the burden of the emotional well being of my family. Self-pity and self doubt are evil things and can quickly paralyze. So it’s up to me to keep things positive and everyone motivated.
What really works on my psyche though is just wondering where God is in all of this. It’s really easy to just say everything’s in God’s hands. But in real life, when you are facing something that you honestly feel is important for very valid reasons, and yet it’s just not happening for you… it really starts to work on you.
There’s a song I like, and honestly I don’t even really know or care what the song is really about, but there’s one line that says “What if God doesn’t care?”. And if there’s a chink in my armor of faith, it’s that thought. What if the things we think are important just aren’t important to God? What if they just don’t matter one way or the other?
And so this is where my faith gets confused. I always hear people say that God is leading them into one line of work or another and then they fail fantastically. And I just wonder, really? Was God really leading you to that collosal failure? Or did you just have this grand dream on your own and God really didn’t have an opinion one way or the other?
I don’t want to sound like I’m having a major failure of faith because my wife hasn’t found a job. That’s not the case. There’s two things I believe are true; that God loves us, and that God is in complete and absolute control. But my problem is learning to accept the fact that my plans aren’t always in line with God’s plans, and even though sometimes God’s plans can feel a whole lot like indifference, I need to believe that ultimately his plan will be better than anything I could have made for myself.
As someone who is all too familiar with your situation, this is an unfortunately common occurrence today as many of us struggle to find footing for the “next step”.
I’m completely aware that you may not want to post this comment and, rest assured, that I understand why. It seems you may have too much reliance on God. For example, when things work out nicely, it was God’ plan all along. When things go wrong, it’s all part of God’s bigger plan. When things continue to go wrong, it’s part of God’s even larger plan. When things fail, it’s part of God’s really bigger larger plan.
Instead of asking for resolution and questioning divine intentions, I would recommend living in the moment and not questioning your ability to empower each other. All of this mental anguish that is spent questioning the intentions of God is wasted time and wasted moments of happiness. Your wife is qualified and if she gets another job, it’s because of her qualifications and the value she brings to the table.
You clearly care a great deal about your wife and it is truly commendable how you expressed it above. I wanted to provide an alternative viewpoint for consideration. I realize that you, most likely, will not agree with my viewpoint. In any case, I truly wish your wife luck in finding a job and you with the answers you seek.
Thanks for your comment. I have yet to get a comment on this blog I was afraid to post, so I’m posting yours too. I don’t see anything wrong with open discussion and let’s face it, faith is difficult at times.
I understand your viewpoint because early in my life I held that same viewpoint myself. However, I disagree with the statement that I have too much reliance on God now. I lived the first thirty something years of my life relying only on myself and woke up one day to find that I was successful, financially well off, yet completely empty inside and utterly bored with life. No, I believe that we have a real, tangible purpose on this earth that is more than simply finding “moments of happiness”.
I think I’m going to revisit this subject of self reliance vs. God reliance in a future blog post. I’d do it here in the comments, but I think it’s important enough to give some extra thought to.
Thanks again for taking the time to comment. I appreciate it.
No problem! I didn’t want you to think that “moments of happiness” were simply for self-satisfaction purposes. Despite popular belief, and being an atheist, I find great happiness through volunteering in various capacities with children, hospice with senior citizens, or volunteering time to various charities during the week. I’ve found sharing time with others is a wonderful experience; it has been extremely fulfilling and has taught me a great deal about others and myself.
In the end, I respect the different approaches we’ve taken to find fulfillment in our lives. The discussion is definitely appreciated and I hope you and your wife have a happy holiday season!
Hey, thank you very much, and I wish you and yours the same.