Clothes Shopping Sucks

I hate clothes shopping. It’s always been hard for me because I am not the “average” sized guy and so nothing fits; Ever. I wonder who this average guy is anyway? What does he look like? Where is he from? What are his likes and dislikes? His fears and hopes and dreams? And why on earth is he so freaking short and stocky????

See, I’m a little taller than the “average” American male, who I swear must be 4′ 7″ these days. And I have knuckle-draggers for arms. While this means I can put the hug on you like nobody’s business, it causes me problems with clothes. It’s a big enough issue that I’m tempted to form some kind of advocacy group or something to “raise awareness” of long armed people. We matter you know. We have a voice! Um… and long arms.

Do you realize I’ve never, EVER found a long sleeve shirt that fits? Oh how I long to have warm arms in the winter, and go one summer without sun burnt wrists! See, when you have a normal sized body, but giant monkey arms, all the clothes that fit your body, look like they have short sleeves, so you end up with this kind of Pee-Wee Herman look. Which I’m sure works for some, but it’s just not me. But then if you find something with long enough sleeves, you end up with this giant shirt hanging from you like a circus tent from a support pole.

Big and tall stores don’t work either, because the only clothes they seem to sell in big and tall stores look like they were designed for your grandfather who was either an avid hunter or an English professor at Cambridge. Sorry, I’m just not ready for corduroys and cable knit sweaters yet. Or shirts with manly stuff like ducks or bison printed on them. Honestly, I don’t think I ever will be. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

In addition, I’m 40 now, so I have to be careful where I shop as well. It’s nice being stylish and all, but let’s be honest, there’s some things an older guy can’t wear. Take this for example; My wife goes shopping for me the other night and see’s a manniquin in the window of a trendy shop. So she buys the outfit in my size and brings it home. Great! My wife has good taste. I put on the pants and I could barely breath these things were so tight, and I don’t want to be crass, but let’s just say that simply painting my lower body would have afforded me more personal privacy.

I mean seriously, 40 year old dudes do NOT look good in skinny jeans. When you’re a kid and basically have the same body as 12 year old girls, skinny jeans work. When you’re 40, carrying a few extra pounds and covered in body hair, it’s not an attractive sight. I’m serious. Stop and contemplate that image for a moment………

So I’ve determined that clothes shopping just sucks, and that jeans and rock T-Shirts were not created for lazy or unstylish people. They were created for us highly unique individuals, us square pegs, who cannot simply be forced into the confines of America’s “average male” stereotype!