The Man With One Girly Hand! [In Technicolor]

How’s that for a 50’s creature feature movie title? Ya like that? So why do I have a girly hand you ask? Well, I went in for an MRI today and the girl shaved it! That’s right, I was shaved by a pretty girl, and I liked it! Well, OK, I didn’t really like it. And I told her to do a design or feather the edges or something, but she’s a nurse and not an artist… obviously. She did say she would shave the other one to match, but I politely declined. The french poodle look does not suit me. And why they have to shave you for a device that can see through your skin is beyond me, but those are the rules, so I complied.

So I got shaved and then they put me on this table and put this huge machine over you and what it is is a live X-Ray! It’s really cool because you can look at the screen next to it and see all your bones and everything and it’s live, not a still picture! I wish they would do my whole body while I play the drums or something and then I’d post it on YouTube. That would be awesome. Anyway, they use the X-Ray to position this tube which they stick in you and then they fill the area (my wrist in this case) with some kind of fluid so the MRI can get a better look. If it sounds like it hurts, that’s because it does. In fact I was thinking which hurt more, this or my tattoo, and I would have to say it’s a draw. After the torturing session, they take you down the hall to the MRI room.

The MRI room is a big ol’ room with the huge machine in the middle that has a tubular hole in it. The room is absolutely freezing. I mean seriously cold just like a refrigerator. They lay you down on this skinny bed and since I was having my wrist done I had to lie on my stomach with one arm up in the Superman position. They propped pillows all around me and put my wrist in this cast thing (again, WHY did they shave me?), they shoved earplugs in my ears because the machine is incredibly loud, and then they asked me if I was comfortable. I wasn’t but I said yes anyway, because I’m not a pansy. Then the dude tells me to sit extremely still and not move a muscle because the machine is super sensitive and I’ll ruin the images. Alright, fine. How long can this take anyway?

They shoved me into the tube and this machine starts making noises like it’s going to explode as it shoots freaking space rays of death through my body… for 40 minutes straight. Yes, FOURTY. By the time they were done my shoulder was killing me and whole arm was asleep. If I could have just closed my eyes and crashed out it would have been easy, but the machine is so loud and the pattern of noise changes about every 4 minutes so there’s just no way to catch any Z’s. It was pretty miserable.

The good thing is, it’s done and so now hopefully I can get useful treatment. And after all that, I’m going to treat myself to a beer and a cigar. Peace out!