Why Pardon the Turkey?

This morning I read the annual non-news story about the President “pardoning” the Thanksgiving turkey. You know, this is the dumbest tradition in the world. Why pardon the turkey? It’s not like he’s leaving a wife and children behind or anything. It’s not even a full pardon, for crying out loud. He’s going to spend the rest of this turkey days behind bars! And it’s not like the President isn’t going to have the White House chef hack the heads off of about 10 other turkeys anyway. So why do we bother with this silly ritual?

I say forget political correctness and take an axe to that juicy gobbler on prime time television! Let’s bring in the holiday with a bang….er…. chop! It could be like the opening shot of hunting season, or the national anthem at a football game, you know? The Prez could have this big custom wood stump made out of African Bubinga or something, with a high gloss laquer finish, gold trim, and the presidential seal on it. He’d say a prayer of thanks, and then Cheney would hand him an axe, also inscribed with the presidential seal. (I was thinking Cheney might just shoot the turkey, but then we know he’s not the greatest marksman). So The Speaker of the House would hold down the turkey and the Prez would take a big ol’ swing and with one stroke kick off 24 hours of national binge eating and drinking! Then the Prez would sign the axe and give it to some big campaign donor or a Senator like they do with the pens they sign bills with

Yeah, that would be cool. When I become President, that’s how I’m gonna roll, yo. God Bless America!